Use Your Words!

I just had a question from someone asking me about a communication issue she was having with a superior at work. This woman was her teacher as she is in a long-term training program. In this particular training program communication is a focus. How to communicate “correctly” “kindly” so as not to step on or interfere with another person’s creation of their space.

The question was, this superior, this teacher seemed to be repeatedly performing a gesture: rolling her shoulders back, while looking at my friend. My friend wanted to know if she was supposed to do something. Is this teacher trying to tell me about my bad posture? 

I said, I have no idea. But it is not your job to figure out what this woman is trying to tell you. If this woman wants you to know something, she can use her words and tell you. 

That is the thing about being a grown up. We can use our words.  And it is our responsibility to use our words. It is not anyone else's responsibility to “interpret” what we want. That knee jerk reaction to try and read someone's needs and desires and fulfill them is a leftover from an emotionally dodgy environment in our past. 

Safety in our emotional world as in our physical world depends on the stability of the pieces around us. The roof needs to stay over our heads, the floor beneath our feet. Our human floor and walls (caregivers) also need to be relied upon to do their jobs. 

If they don't, the child uses the only tools it has: it tries to read the situation and appease the grown up actor in an effort to get the grown up to do their appropriate job. 

This technique has varying degrees of success. But as children, it is one of only a few tools we have so we use it. 

If we are never taught or demonstrated a different AND SUCCESSFUL way of securing our safety, we will continue this technique into adulthood. Only now will we use it both ways. We will also expect other adults to try to interpret OUR needs.

All behaviors stem from our internal environment. 

As adults the only needs we have to interpret come from those unable to speak: babies (until they can appropriately use their words) and, of course, the fur babies.

Other than that, Use your Words!